Dear Mama, I’m sorry.
Sorry that the only conversations you’ve been getting from Mama are in the mornings, at 6am when your siblings are asleep and you’ve woken full of giggles and blabber.
Sorry that I wake you almost every time you’ve been asleep for no longer than 15 or 20 minutes, I guess this is what they meant when they said “the third just fits in to your busy life”, just know I feel like absolute shit every time I do wake you.
Sorry that I’ve shoved the pacifier almost too many times when you’ve been starving for a feed because I had one hand in a cooking pot and the other with a spoon feeding your brother and sister.
Sorry that you’ve been in a car seat almost every day since you were only a couple days old. You hate that thing, and I don’t blame you.
I really am sorry, but I hope you know you hold a special place in my heart, I can understand now when people say “it’s possible to have a favourite”, I don’t love you any different to your siblings, but you my Anissa do something to me, so I hope when you grow older you realise that although I wasn’t as present as I was with one or even two, I still knew you like the back of my hand.
The little things…
I watch you wake at 5.30am and that it takes you close to 15 minutes to shrug off your blanket. And although I catch you staring at me through your bassinet ( I’m too tired to fully open my eyes ) you don’t make a peep until 6am, like clock work, you’ve been this way since you were a month old and nothing’s changed.
It takes you close to 6 minutes to bring your hand up to touch my face when we snuggle in the morning, I’m so proud of you.. my little baby nailing her fine motor skills 💚
You moan when you’re tired and it’s my absolute favourite sound, the way you grab your soft toy like it’s the closest thing to heaven, you make my heart ache.
The way you get all excited when I change your nappy because for some reason you’re under the impression you’re about to have a bath every time you’re butt naked – literally !
That your cry at 5pm is different to 12pm it’s not a milk cry but a solids cry and girl does Mama know it.. nobody can hear the difference, but Mama bear knows her offspring.
That the reason you’ve slept through the night for 12hrs + since you were a month old wasn’t just because of your crazy Mama and her routine but because you haven’t had a solid two hour nap during the day, uninterrupted since you were born😔.. you poor thing make up for it at night (p.s mum is not complaining).. (mum still feels like shit though)
So while Mama is sorry, Mama knows what she’s doing because she sees her hard work paying off with your older siblings. I hope you grow to appreciate the close age gap with them, I hope you grow to realise that you can have as many friends as you like but nobody will love you as much as them.. but most of all, I hope you love me as much as I love you.
Love, your Mama