Death and more death

Is all that I’ve been thinking about recently! Call it newborn anxiety ? That sounds accurate.. staring into her big beautiful eyes every morning instantly triggers a long exhale.. “I’m here today” is the thought my brain triggers, I smile, I’ve got another day.

I know this phase will probably pass but dying is always at the back of my mind, when we’re giggling and Zayn cracks a joke that only I get, his father staring at him blankly confused at why I’m laughing – I think to myself  who else will get your cheeky jokes? Who’s going to know how to cut up your toast and put just the right amount of jam otherwise you’d say “mummy I can’t taste the butter” .. who’s going to understand my little Elaina when she begs to dance like “bawlll” (belle) and watch “betheebeethd” (beauty and the beast).. and who’s going to replace the smell of my skin that Anissa needs to sniff like she’s hanging on for dear life every two hours ? .. who? The thought of me gone, the thought of them upset, alone, confused, young – scares to the point of crying myself to sleep sometimes.. It can’t just be me right ? 

While I wait for this phase to pass

We are making memories ! I like to think their childhood is unplugged.. meaning most of the time they’re technology free. Don’t get it confused, family movie time is great for quality (quiet time) however in our home tv is a reward not a right.. sometimes used as background noise .. we own an iPad but they show no interest in it.. why ? They have an imagination.. parents get so anxious when their kids get bored little do they know that it’s that exact moment creativity strikes ! So we paint, we travel, we build towers out of blankets and play kings and queens with foil capes.. we are making memories.. unplugged



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