The good life

Anxiety has settled.. I hope, maybe it has something to do with being back at university. Seems like my four year degree is turning into eight and that's okay with me.. I've learnt to count my blessings and realise that I have to start being EXTRA grateful, I learnt at uni that not every mother has the luxury of leaving her kiddies safe with their OWN mother, that not all women are supported by their partners/ husbands to pursue university studies.. I learnt to appreciate my life that little bit more.

Something has been tugging at the back of my mind for the last few weeks, when did you know your child was ready for child care ? With my eldest he was three and very independent in the sense of handling himself quite well without me and interacting with other children in playgrounds without any hesitation. Fair to say with Zayn I knew he was ready when I accompanied him to a trial day at childcare and he cried when I told him we had to leave😂

With Elaina though who just turned two in February, her signs are crying and embarrassing the hell out of me the three times a week when we drop off Zayn at pre school, her signs are fibbing and talking to her Aunty's about what a great day she had at school (also names Zayns teachers in her stories), she also craves me teaching her like a "student"; reading her books, setting activities etc… but is two and a half too early ? Obviously want to conquer the great world of toilet training before hand, but can anybody share their advice ? Experiences ?

Aaaaannnddd then there's our little Miss Anissa, three months in a couple of days and boy oh boy does this girl hold the key to my heart 😩.. a little pic for an update

Layale xx


Why we’ve decided enough is enough

Those who know us personally know my husband and I have come to the mutual agreement that having our three children is enough. Before you begin your mental judgement, I understand that the unexpected can happen after all I am a woman of faith and believe your fate has been decided long before you even had the ability to plan. That being said however we are content with our three blessings and my recent health scare tipped us over the edge. I’ve realised now I have new readers and I’m appreciative of that, though you all should know that years ago, beginning with my first born is when this “baby curse” as I came to call it started.. only then will you understand why we’ve come to this decision.

Natural, quick, healthy labour.. 9 days later I couldn’t get up, temp at 43, unable to call the ambulance myself, thank god somebody walked in on me otherwise given another 24hrs I wouldn’t have been around. Infection of the uterus, placenta (YES BITS OF PLACENTA LEFT INSIDE OF ME) stuck to the lining quickly became infected. Hospital. Away from my newborn, unable to breastfeed. Milk gone. It should come as no shock to you that I was distraught for some time, those days without my first born, smelling his scent, it was hell.. hell on earth.

Time passed, we began trying for another this time our second pregnancy ended with a miscarriage.. we tried again, and we were blessed💚  except this time, although same natural labour and healthy baby, someone noticed a growing lump on my back which after many tests confirmed a lipoma Tumor about 7cm long, the size of a handball had to be removed. Survey. Recovery. I had two kiddies to care for.. I just wanted to desperately be back to myself to be there for them.

And our Anissa, by far my scariest health scare.. confused, everything happened so quickly. Recovery HIDEOUS ! Pain unbearable ! Unable to carry anything over 5kg, crashing at mums because I was unable to do even the basics at home.I dismissed it as a sharp pain although following the surgery it was made clear there was something a lot more serious going on inside of my body. The surgery conducted was the removal of my appendix and during my follow up 4 weeks later they revealed my appendix appeared completely normal. BUT they found serious free fluid that they had to drain which they believe was caused by the rupture of a large ovarian cyst.. without this fluid being drained, my body would have had no way of getting rid of it.. 

Then came the serious conversation, my husband and I agreeing that we want nothing more than for me to be healthy enough to raise these kids. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it, if anything was to happen to me and our kiddies were left alone because I was selfish enough to have another child, knowing fully that something is bound to happen again.. I’d never forgive myself. Yes I know, fate, whether I die tomorrow or in ten years, but I want to live my life knowing I’m putting them first.. we can’t be selfish, three healthy beautiful kids, we are content. I want them to know I, their mother, him, their father, always put them first.


Death and more death

Is all that I’ve been thinking about recently! Call it newborn anxiety ? That sounds accurate.. staring into her big beautiful eyes every morning instantly triggers a long exhale.. “I’m here today” is the thought my brain triggers, I smile, I’ve got another day.

I know this phase will probably pass but dying is always at the back of my mind, when we’re giggling and Zayn cracks a joke that only I get, his father staring at him blankly confused at why I’m laughing – I think to myself  who else will get your cheeky jokes? Who’s going to know how to cut up your toast and put just the right amount of jam otherwise you’d say “mummy I can’t taste the butter” .. who’s going to understand my little Elaina when she begs to dance like “bawlll” (belle) and watch “betheebeethd” (beauty and the beast).. and who’s going to replace the smell of my skin that Anissa needs to sniff like she’s hanging on for dear life every two hours ? .. who? The thought of me gone, the thought of them upset, alone, confused, young – scares to the point of crying myself to sleep sometimes.. It can’t just be me right ? 

While I wait for this phase to pass

We are making memories ! I like to think their childhood is unplugged.. meaning most of the time they’re technology free. Don’t get it confused, family movie time is great for quality (quiet time) however in our home tv is a reward not a right.. sometimes used as background noise .. we own an iPad but they show no interest in it.. why ? They have an imagination.. parents get so anxious when their kids get bored little do they know that it’s that exact moment creativity strikes ! So we paint, we travel, we build towers out of blankets and play kings and queens with foil capes.. we are making memories.. unplugged