Will I ever..

Catch a break.

I feel almost as though my body’s failing me and it sucks. 

My tears have dried and my head heavy both from the anesthetic and the four endone tablets I’ve had today. 

I type this post from my hospital bed.. funny isn’t it, how life works, you can be fine one second and be sent for an emergency CT scan the next. Acute Appendicitis is the medical term my GP used as she pressed down on my abdomen whilst I simultaneously moaned from the pain. Pain that I thought was caused from chasing the kids over the weekend.. oh boy was I wrong.Within an hour I was on my way to Emergency department, admitted almost instantly and given antibiotics through an IV.. For someone who has had three natural births and not once accepted pain relief both pre and post birth, I was surprised when I found myself begging for something to take the pain away. 

Fast forward to 8am today, four surgeons surrounded my bed explaining the procedure and how they intended to successfully remove my appendix.. 12pm I woke.. exhausted.. No other word to describe how I felt and still feel.. I am exhausted emotionally that I cannot be there for my two kiddies, and my 20 day young baby who loves to snuggle her way right up my neck followed by deep breaths, as if somehow smelling my scent will keep her heart beating.

It somewhat breaks me to know that I’d have to face my four year old and explain that Mummy’s tummy hurts AGAIN and won’t be able to do the normal things we just only recently started doing AGAIN. 10.35pm – So here I am alone but surrounded by three other patients, under three blankets but not in my bed, in a quiet room but no crying baby, comforted by night shift nurses but can’t hear my daughter snore.

I am thankful and understand how fortunate I am to have family, using the word ‘amazing’ to describe them would be an understatement.. They are my everything! Having strangers look after your children is one thing, but having family who genuinely love your kids and will do anything to see them smile is a complete other! 

Health is a blessing, and I am so grateful that it’s me that’s been hit and not my children.. we don’t ever truly appreciate our health until we’re tested and faced with something similar and in many cases a lot worse than ‘appendicitis’. 

I am grateful.

But I am 

Exhausted.

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My Midwives

Dear Emelie & Lila

( A little background info about the two: EMELIE, beautiful, blonde haired woman whom I feel I am forever grateful for helping deliver my healthy baby girl Elaina just over two years ago. LILA this amazing wide smiled midwifery student whom I feel has turned my world into such a brighter place. ) 

So there I was, I can recall checking in my paperwork at my local hospital, 16 weeks pregnant with our third and super anxious. Although an introvert, I find I can easily communicate with strangers hence the conversation arose between the admin woman and myself about how amazing the midwife I had nearly 1 year and half ago was! To my delight she informed me she still worked there and some very kind words later she did what no public patient is entitled to and enlisted me to her clinic 😮

As could be imagined, my first visit was filled with lots of hugs and teary eyes.. I knew just how fortunate I was to have the same midwife seeing me every appointment but felt even more grateful because she had already played such a big role in my previous delivery. There was a face though, sitting behind Emelie, a glowing smile at every appointment.. Lila. Lila who I came to know was a Mummy to three little kiddos and always managed to make it to every single appointment of mine.. even when I would run late, she was there, waiting too.. 

Fast Forward

39 weeks check up. I’m in tears. Lila asks ” how are you feeling? ” and immediately I break down hysterically. I don’t ever whinge, but by this stage the pain of having a tiny head so low in your pelvis is enough to make anyone cry into a pillow! I saw both their faces change – empathy.. They spent over half an hour reassuring me that there is an end, and after an examination delighted me with news that the “end” was quite near. 

Night. Exhausted. Runny nose. Sore throat. Unable to turn in bed.

1am. DEAR LORD CONTRACTIONS! SOLID CONTRACTIONS!

3.30am. Admitted into hospital only to be assessed by one tired ( did I mention TIRED) young nurse. In a monotone voice and robotic manner she began to assess the situation to which she advised ” It’ll be a while “, I replied ” I understand, however my labours progress quickly and I cannot be sent home”, she explained that for some strange reason she couldn’t locate my file and would have to take my word for it ( Thank god for that ) And with that she yawned, turned off the lights and whispered “get some sleep”. 

I was exhausted. I fell asleep. 

Big Mistake.

Contractions went from solid 3 minutely to 10 minutes apart.. I knew I was in trouble.

7am – I began to pace around the examination room, “crazy walker”, I knew my body, I had felt her head descend lower in the last week and knew the more pressure I put on to my pelvis the quicker this process was going to be. 

Knock at the door.

I nearly fall but catch on to my knees.

What were the chances ! Emelie was on a morning shift ( ONLY THURSDAY MORNINGS ) and Lila came in for her prac… tears were exchanged, they couldn’t believe my luck and neither could I.. while the pain of the contractions were excruciating, I would look over at Lila sitting in the corner and she would say ” you’re doing it, you’re doing so well “.. you would think ‘scripted response’ but her facial expressions – she was genuinely proud of me and catching little glimpses of her when I could provided some much needed relief 💚

9.34am our 3.47kg, 51cm tall, full head of hair baby was born.. I stared at him, her father, teary eyed.. looking at me like I was his whole world, then looking into her big eyes and watching his world, his heart, explode into a million pieces. ” I’m so proud of you” he said, I smiled as I cradled her, our Baby💚

Emelie & Lila, you have shared this journey with me, one that I will never forget and don’t intend to… it’s because of women like you, with hearts filled with passion like yours, that women like me feel empowered enough to take on the entire world. Thank you.

Anissa/ 04-05-17

L

In order: Lila, Emelie and the cutest little newborn toes xx