This post is about as brutally honest as I can get and maybe at my most vulnerable.
It’s hard, it’s pretty damn hard. Being a mother is the most rewarding yet exhausting job in the world and please note I do not use the word “job” lightly.
Having two kids was my dream.
Giving birth to Elaina six weeks ago made my life complete. I had what people say to be ” the perfect balance”, blessed with a beautiful two year old boy and one 3.6kg weighing, gorgeous baby girl. I was mentally prepared ( or so I thought ) to how challenging it was going to be – but boy was I wrong.
I’m struggling – there you have it.. Typing those words brings on the tears in an instant, I prepared myself day in day out for months straight , repeating to my brain cells that it’s going to be tough for the first couple of months but that’s what I get for being selfish enough to want two children to be close in age. Yes selfish ! Because that’s all that I’ve been feeling lately, Zayn has been a God sent and it’s not fair on him. He helps me with everything that at times I get frustrated that he can’t hand me a wipe when my hands are full just because I’ve become dependant on him. Sleep deprivation isn’t helping the situation either, it gets to stages where they’re both crying for attention and then I’ll have a two minute zone out where I’m mentally falling asleep – boom I snap out of it then straight into mum mode again.
Oh you saw me start a new paragraph you might’ve thought ” oh she’s done “.. How about the emotional bursts and break downs ? God love my husband if anything he’s probably the reason I find it in me to keep going everyday without crying spontaneously. His mind must be so confused by me begging him to ” just let me do everything ” to ” you don’t even help and that doesn’t help me ! “.
I know there are mamas out there reading this with 5 kids that are one year apart and mastering the hell out of it – perceiving me as just a tired mum on a rant but in all honesty, hands up and hats off to you.
I was expecting it to be tough, I just didn’t know it was going to be this tough. What’s keeping me sane is routine, I’d be crazy without it. Having them both bathed & in bed by 7.30pm gives me somewhat of a release.. It’s almost like I get in touch with the human me and not the robot. I walk into their rooms watching their little bodies take breath and instantly wanting to cry because I selfishly want to wake them. I stare at zayn for minutes on end, apologising mentally for asking too much of him during the day.. And then jokingly blaming him, that it’s his fault he’s too mature and says ” mum I wanna help ” with absolutely everything, from making his bed to vaccuming the house.
I leave this post tonight with bags under my eyes and a bed that’s screaming my name. Tomorrow is a new day, that’s exactly the way I’ll approach every day until my body and mind has adjusted to this change. That’s all it really it is at the end of the day – change. It’s different, all that I’m experiencing is different, may not be easy but I will master it.
This blog will be my escape, feels like déjà vu, I remember typing those words two years ago to the day on this blog. Expressing myself through words keeps my sanity in check.