Baring it all..

Abit shaky starting off this post.

Abit nervous.

When I first started this blog, I knew it was what I wanted – I loved English, writing, story telling, essay writing, you name it. I also made a promise, I would bare all – this blog would be my journal.. Never in a million years did I think my blog would be viewed 50 to sometimes 80 times a day. A blessing, is what it is. Writing here, is almost like therapy, it keeps me

Sane.

But as I sit here, ready to explain why I’ve been so quiet for the past couple of weeks I remember why all you amazing people read it. I like to think it’s because I’m honest, because I don’t sugar coat ? Because I have a sense of humour? God knows.

I was going to brush off my absence with something like ” my LO has been teething and it’s been taking up a lot of time “. Truth is he has, lie is I had a lot of time.

DH ( darling husband) and I have decided to start trying for baby number two. It’s been a personal battle for me… Not only have I been quiet on the blog – but also in my thoughts. I am a woman of faith – and though I know there are bigger reasons to the adversities that I face, I can’t help but be fearful of the future.

I considered if I were to fall pregnant:

– I would not tell anyone bar DH until I reached the 12 week “safe zone”, so that if I did miscarry again nobody would ever have to know.

The same thought and plan stuck around for about a week.. Until DH sat me down knowing something was off.. So I explained to him my “genius plan”.. “WHAT” he exclaimed, “new this was coming” I thought to myself.
So the next hour consisted of tears and a lot of sobbing on my part.. For some reason I thought responsible, that if I fell pregnant again I had to do everything in my power to keep it alive ..
You see that’s just it, ‘everything in my power’ – but do I even have 1% of the control my mind convinced me I did ?
And like the amazing husband I married he uttered one word “pride”. I stared at him shocked, how could he accuse me of such a thing, I’m the most down to earth person there ever is to meet.

He was right.

It was my pride, I wanted to keep it a secret ? Why ? So that nobody would know I failed to sustain another pregnancy ? What’s wrong with the fact that my body is that strong and knows when to react to something wrong ? My body knows to reject a pregnancy that is not compatible for me ?

Genius plan number two ..
We will try for another little muffin. I want our little family to grow, I want a toy filled house, I want to hear the sound of laughter and cries.. But “Que Sera, Sera “- whatever will be, will be. I am thankful for our beautiful LO and will be satisfied with what I have, I will also be blessed to carry another life with my body.

So there it is.. I’m trying for baby number two – and you know what – I’m fine with whatever happens. I am fearful but excited, I am nervous but determined, I am anxious but eager.. And lastly – I am anything but proud.

I apologise for the absence, and have read all the emails. But I think I’m back.. 😊

P.s. It wouldn’t be right if ended this post without a little humour ☺️

Yours truly,

Momma_z

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One thought on “Baring it all..

  1. Wow!!!!!!! You are so inspiring to me I read every night from Jordan. I try very hard to be strong woman and reading your word make me cry but feel very happy. I can not wait to see what future plans for you

    Please keep writing

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