What keeps me “me”

Abit of a History lesson for you beautiful people (brace yourselves).😊

After graduating in 2010 I decided to take a gap year. It was a great experience, I focused on my personal life,goal setting and employment.. I never stopped working; Jumping from job to job till I found one that I actually enjoyed. I worked in the finance industry for close to a year before taking maternity leave in 2013. My workplace was very accepting of the fact that I was also studying ( Counselling through the Australian College of Applied Psychology ) often being super flexible in terms of getting assignments done “on the job” so to speak.

Once I fell pregnant, I could see the worried look on my Mothers face, I knew it wasn’t fear of how I would handle motherhood but afraid that I would throw away my studies. I knew inside that she knew I would never do that. I have been a book worm since I could remember, essay writing was my escape and fiction books were my “reality”. I continued studying right through till I gave birth. Lucky enough for me I had my LO during my two month break.

After receiving high distinctions.. I was notified that I could follow my original pursuit ( primary school teaching ) at the fraction of the normal time it would take. So here I am now with a One year and three month old energetic, attached and very vocal little boy who takes up all of my time but still delegating an hour sometimes two a day to what’s important to me.

I am routine crazy because it keeps me sane. I wake two hours before my LO does, tidy up the house, kettle on, coffee and laptop open – quick to start up any assignments that are due. In the evenings, 7.30pm he’s down – fold the washing, LO’s load in the wash, coffee and laptop open – this time to finish what I started in the morning.

Two more years to go and I’ll be qualified, though I will not work. Hopefully when I feel my family is complete (children) and they are at an age where they can be schooled I will begin my career… My partner is both supportive and encouraging and I know without those qualities in your other half it’s often hard to find that drive to pursue your own personal aspirations.

The discouraging comments continue till this day.. But they motivate me, push me to try harder.I’ve heard it and am still hearing it.. “Studying, really ?” Followed by the look like they just saw an alien land down on earth. Why is it so unbelievable ? I’ve preached it once and I’ll preach it again.. YOU and only you are in charge of how easy and how hard you make motherhood – actually your life in general.

Please do not mis understand, I am not to say being a mother is not an adequate enough position, for I believe it’s the highest ranking in humanity. It’s just about keeping your “mummy brain” alive. Some of you may do this in other ways e.g. Reading, conversing etc.. This is just mine.

The point of this post is..When you know you want to do something.. No scratch that – When you know what your mind is CAPABLE of, follow it ! That gut feeling that tells you ” I’d be an amazing interior designer ” follow it ! Open up your google and search away.

P.s. Just take the time, when your kiddies are asleep and your home is quiet to listen to that little voice in your head that’s begging to heard. If there’s no voice – then you my friend, are truly satisfied. ☺️

Always,

Momma_z

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Dear Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,

Sorry for crying on you when you were crying, frustrated that you were crying but confused because I didn’t know why I was crying. Just know I wouldn’t have had that learning experience any other way.

Sorry for the “ooff” when I had just changed you and you decided to do a p- your business. Just know I love it when you giggle.

Sorry for the “no” that you hear at least 100 times a day.. Just know I’m trying hard to make you oh so well behaved.

Sorry for the silly questions that I ask from “where is your bottle?” to “why did you hit that glass?!”. Just know I look forward to the day when I can hear you explain.

Sorry for the “COME ON MAMA” moments that I get, I don’t mean to agitate you I just get a little upset. Just know it’s my way of keeping sane, I promise to never cause you any pain.

Sorry for the childish games like when I jump into your bed. Just know I’d do it a thousand times over only to hear that same laugh.

Sorry that I gossip to you about every little thing, I don’t mean to annoy you and make your ears ring. Just know it’s what friends do, you mean much more to me than what I mean to you.

Sorry for asking you for your fashion advice, the smile the “yes” the frown “not very nice”. Just know the way you see me is what matters.

Not sorry that you’re my best friend.. Just know it’s mama & you till the very end.

Xo

Momma_z

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Baring it all..

Abit shaky starting off this post.

Abit nervous.

When I first started this blog, I knew it was what I wanted – I loved English, writing, story telling, essay writing, you name it. I also made a promise, I would bare all – this blog would be my journal.. Never in a million years did I think my blog would be viewed 50 to sometimes 80 times a day. A blessing, is what it is. Writing here, is almost like therapy, it keeps me

Sane.

But as I sit here, ready to explain why I’ve been so quiet for the past couple of weeks I remember why all you amazing people read it. I like to think it’s because I’m honest, because I don’t sugar coat ? Because I have a sense of humour? God knows.

I was going to brush off my absence with something like ” my LO has been teething and it’s been taking up a lot of time “. Truth is he has, lie is I had a lot of time.

DH ( darling husband) and I have decided to start trying for baby number two. It’s been a personal battle for me… Not only have I been quiet on the blog – but also in my thoughts. I am a woman of faith – and though I know there are bigger reasons to the adversities that I face, I can’t help but be fearful of the future.

I considered if I were to fall pregnant:

– I would not tell anyone bar DH until I reached the 12 week “safe zone”, so that if I did miscarry again nobody would ever have to know.

The same thought and plan stuck around for about a week.. Until DH sat me down knowing something was off.. So I explained to him my “genius plan”.. “WHAT” he exclaimed, “new this was coming” I thought to myself.
So the next hour consisted of tears and a lot of sobbing on my part.. For some reason I thought responsible, that if I fell pregnant again I had to do everything in my power to keep it alive ..
You see that’s just it, ‘everything in my power’ – but do I even have 1% of the control my mind convinced me I did ?
And like the amazing husband I married he uttered one word “pride”. I stared at him shocked, how could he accuse me of such a thing, I’m the most down to earth person there ever is to meet.

He was right.

It was my pride, I wanted to keep it a secret ? Why ? So that nobody would know I failed to sustain another pregnancy ? What’s wrong with the fact that my body is that strong and knows when to react to something wrong ? My body knows to reject a pregnancy that is not compatible for me ?

Genius plan number two ..
We will try for another little muffin. I want our little family to grow, I want a toy filled house, I want to hear the sound of laughter and cries.. But “Que Sera, Sera “- whatever will be, will be. I am thankful for our beautiful LO and will be satisfied with what I have, I will also be blessed to carry another life with my body.

So there it is.. I’m trying for baby number two – and you know what – I’m fine with whatever happens. I am fearful but excited, I am nervous but determined, I am anxious but eager.. And lastly – I am anything but proud.

I apologise for the absence, and have read all the emails. But I think I’m back.. 😊

P.s. It wouldn’t be right if ended this post without a little humour ☺️

Yours truly,

Momma_z

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M.I.A

Feels like ages since I’ve last posted. Sorry to those who questioned my absence and lol at those who assumed I had run out of things to post about ! πŸ˜‚ Anyone who knows me personally would vouch for the fact that I never ever have nothing to say ☺️

On a serious note, I have been dealing with an issue that has arisen yet again ECZEMA. I’ve had it for aslong as I could remember.. The bloody hands, the uncontrollable urge to itch my face off and the burn oh the feeling of my whole body being on fire. So I’ve gotten the eczema on my body under control .. Saw a specialist last year who surprisingly recommended no medication but for me to change all my products e.g. Perfume free shampoo, omo sensitive washing powder, gloves while doing the dishes, hypo allergenic softener etc.. And magic ! I’ve had no eczema on my body since ! πŸ™Œ

My face was never an issue.. Since 2007 a dermatologist prescribed a cream called ELIDEL, with no indication of how long I should use it for. I loved it, even though it meant I could never do the normal things like getting a facial, exfoliating, applying masks without my face looking like a cat had attacked it – I was happy.. I stayed away from applying anything but ELIDEL.

So only recently ..I had run out of ELIDEL, headed to my GP only for him to say ” I will not prescribe it” shocked at his response I demanded to know why.. ” Well Layale, what does it say here ? ” I stared at the screen gobsmacked.. Was I really reading those words.. ‘Recommended usage of ELIDEL – short term.. Side effects of long term use include various types of LYMPHOMA’s ( fancy word for skin cancer ). Tears started to roll down without me realising.. Short term ? Is five years SHORT TERM ??!! Then began the agonising process.. Getting my skin used to being without ELIDEL daily.. I hadn’t gone through this since I was 12 ! The embarrassment of my face scaling.. Eczema was knocking on the door of my self esteem and it was difficult. My skin was addicted.. I went back to being the 12 year old girl visiting the GP every second day.. Whether it was someone’s perfume that came in contact with my face while kissing them.. Or the dust that flew off the outside table.. Anything and everything caused my face to flare.

Desperado Layale came into action.. I demanded I see a dermatologist.. Dr Samuel Zagarella his name was, but I like to call him Superman 😁 because as of Monday the 5th of May 2014 I am able to have my face back ! My emotions could not be held back as he read a study that was conducted in the year 2013 and published JAN 2014 that recently found no substantial link of LYMPHOMAS between ELIDEL and long time users !! Even though they will still warn users on packaging ( pretty silly ) I’m fine with throwing the packet away ! 😭

So that’s a life story at it’s best ^^^ but that’s what I’ve been dealing with (:

Sorry for going all M.I.A but MOMMA Z IS BACK !

Yours truly

Momma_z

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