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It’s okay to surrender…

Is what I’ve been telling myself these past couple of days.. funny how life changes in a year.

One year ago I was excited for what the future held, one year ago I was determined to graduate April 2018 (FREAKING FINALLY) I was ecstatic for our journey ahead as a family of four.. one year ago..

Today I am overwhelmed, today I am exhausted, today I am unsure when I will graduate, today I am anxious with 10 weeks remaining till our family becomes five.. 

I am surrendering to fate, fate says why not have three kids before you turn 24, fate says why graduate in 2018 when you can in 2020, fate says why not renovate an entire home and move in right before your due date, fate says why not do all of this while taking care of a curious preschooler and a rebel toddler.. Fate says.. Fate decides.. Has decided.. I have to learn to accept that I can’t fight it..

I tried, I tried to convince myself that I could jam in a whole semesters worth of assessments in eight weeks to make my due date, I tried to convince myself that I would be okay being out of the house every single day of the week while heavily pregnant, I tried to convince myself that while I did all of this I would still be able to spend quality time with my husband and children whilst ALSO moving house.. I tried but I couldn’t.. I realised I just can’t do it..

I’ve surrendered.. officially, and although I initially felt I had failed I’ve realised that overwhelming myself with unrealistic expectations will only make me more anxious and frustrated.. thoughts and emotions that aren’t particularly healthy for my unborn baby nor my family.. hell its not okay for ME!

Emotional rant over. 

Overly hormonal pregnant Mom. 

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GET THE F**K OVER IT

So I have this little guy who is obsessed with me. My son of course. The love and attachment is 110% reciprocated, he is my first born, my best friend my everything.. And you need not dare speak about him EVER!

So f**king sick of judgemental parents/people, this little boy is with me 24/7 when he’s not at pre school 3 days of the week, he is my baby and I will go to any lengths to defend him. So when my son walks into his sisters bedroom, grabs a blanket, ties it around his tummy and says “I’m Mummy now” you know what my reaction is ? HELL TO THE F**KING YEAH YOU ARE! And when he cuddles his teddy and tells his sister to “shhhhhh” so his son can sleep you know what my reaction is YES WE WILL SHUT THE HELL UP.. And when he kisses my tummy and tells his unborn sister that he can’t wait till she’s out of Mummy’s tummy so he can be her Mummy and look after her you know what my reaction is … LOVE! Love Love Love, sprinkle that shit everywhere like confetti people.

But wait no.. because while I see love people see “gay” “strange” “weird” “WTF”, I’ve been nice and way too kind but do I really have to defend the actions of a four year old child ? Is this what 2017 has come to ? So let me get this straight, my daughter can play with a truck and is encouraged !? “Tough girl” I hear, she can push her brothers fire truck and nobody bats an eye, but if my son holds her toy baby that’s WRONG ? so when my daughter tries on his pirate costume that’s okay nobody flinches but when he tries on her princess costume all hell breaks loose ?! Give me a freaking break! I’ve had enough.. I’ve had enough of kindly explaining, no wait, more like justifying why my son is curious, that my son has limited screen time and as a result GUESS WHAT he actually USES his imagination, which means he can PRETEND to be someobody else.. don’t see that in kids these days.. but mine is a f**king genius so sorry ๐Ÿ˜Œ

If I can encourage my daughter to play with my sons toys he can do the exact same and so he will ! I’m not worried about his sexuality because while he’s walking around our house in my heels one minute the next he’s carrying his dads hammer and ‘fixing’ at our new home.. so next time anyone sees a BOY pretend playing how about you ENGAGE in the role play rather than belittling him with your stupid ancient judgemental opinions.. or wait no a better idea, shut up and get the f**k over it.

Yes this is the first time I’ve used the F word, yes I refer to the F word as F WORD in real life but just felt like typing it a thousand times to express my frustration. 

Momma_ze

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Preggers

12 weeks pregnant.

Boom! Not even going to go down the path of explaining myself, but I’ll answer all your questions in this quick imaginary chat that I envision with you all

“OMG were you planning???”

Me: No

“But you so wanted a third kid right?!!”

Me: No, shit I’m barely coping with two

“It’ll be so exciting to have all of your children grow up together right?!”

Me: Totally! I mean I just can’t wait to leave the house with three children under four! I mean can you imagine the great shopping trips and park adventures! Oh don’t forget the tantrums TIMES FREAKING THREE

“It’ll be easy because you’re still in the ‘baby zone’ ”

Me: DO I FREAKING LOOK LIKE I WANNA BE STUCK IN THE BABY ZONE!!! I mean it’s always been my life long goal to continue changing diapers for four years consecutively ๐Ÿค— going onto five but hey don’t be jelly๐Ÿ˜Ž

Sarcasm aside, I believe I’m a bloody great Mum, I fail some days but most days I put a smile on their faces and if that’s not the most rewarding thing in life I don’t know what is. The fact that god believes another child deserves the love and happiness that our family is able to provide gives me butterflies.. It will be difficult most definitely but heck was life supposed to be easy?? 

Even though my blog was supposed to be my journal I couldn’t confess to being pregnant AGAIN.. it’s my FIFTH pregnancy guys.. 2 children.. do the math.. I have faith, but miscarriages do take a toll both emotionally and physically.. 

My heart goes out to those trying to conceive and those who have lost a life.. focus on the blessings and be grateful for what you have, sounds so cliche but I promise it was only when I reached a point of contentment with where my life was at that God decided to say “well here you go”.. I’m scared to shits but scary is good.. I mean I’m practically a fully functioning Mummy robot so what’s another experiment ๐Ÿ˜Œ

Momma_ze

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I don’t need sympathyย 

I need change. 

People always wondered why I was a book worm.. Never made any sense why out of all of my siblings I would choose a book over playing outside or watching a movie. Everybody has a story and everybody is the way they are because of something they’re enduring or have already overcome. Reading for me was an escape, fictional novels to be precise. Give me a book light and I would not sleep until that book was done… Tearing up as I write this because I fell in love with reading for all the WRONG reasons. It makes sense now why I enjoy taking Zayn to the library, reading him books at night, going on imaginative journeys together.. My hope is when he grows older he’ll pick up a book because he WANTS to not because he HAS to. 

My mother was amazing,heck that word isn’t enough.. She sung every nursery rhyme under the sun, would buy me new picture books and ask me to draw my own conclusions or tell her the story from my point of view then she’d begin to read it.. I remember staring at her in awe, as if she were performing magic, creating characters, changing voices when along she was just reading. That’s the beauty of innocence when your young, you don’t know much.. 

As I got older it became more obvious, as beautiful as she was.. She was somehow being punished.. The yelling, the shoving, glass breaking – tears, lots and lots of tears. There I was a ten year old, rushing to my bedroom, opening the drawer “read read read” I’d whisper to myself almost as if I was in a rush, come to think of it I was.. I wanted to escape, I wanted it to be over, he usually went for 15 minutes but I’d cry as I’d begin to read, and before I knew it there I was riding a dragon in my favourite book ‘Eragon’. It didn’t matter to me that an hour went by, I was away, I was happy – he was done.

Domestic Violence is real, it happens.. To all the women that say “I’m staying for my kids” RUN! Your kids shouldn’t have to escape life in their own home, their safe place.. Your children shouldn’t have to fall asleep quietly sobbing wondering why you woke up with eyes so swollen from all the tears.. Your children shouldn’t have to hide in their bedroom and cover their younger brothers ears as he yells and hits you while they endure the psychological trauma.. Your children need a HAPPY home. That’s not to say my parents didn’t have happy days, when those days happened I would get all excited and try to enjoy them, but when those days turned into weeks I’d worry, because it wouldn’t have been long before he’d decide to have another pointless fit.

My point is whether your single or married, make your goal as a couple to be the best of friends, show love and compassion.. Kiss each other infront of your kids, giggle and give endless cuddles, children Are not children for long and as they get older they’ll be able to recognise love and instantly feel at home. They shouldn’t have to escape reality but rather live in the moment, full of happiness and joyful experiences.

Mum I am so proud of you, proud of the guts it took to stand on your own two feet. And when my children grow older and they need a story of inspiration I can tell you now it won’t begin with ‘once upon a time’. ๐Ÿ’š

Disclaimer –  you want to argue ? Bite your tongue and say “bed time”. Children shouldn’t witness an intense arguement between their parents, that can happen while they’re snoozing away dreaming of Peter Pan. No bed time routine ? Text.. Emojis make arguements so much more fun ๐Ÿ˜Š

Momma_ze

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Found

Nikki Gemell. A woman, a Mum, an Author. Do your research.

It’s obvious I abandoned blogging for a period of time, some of that time was to to take care of my health both mentally and physically. Recovering from a miscarriage is daunting, especially going through one the way I did.. But laying here tonight her words echo through my mind again and again.. How I was ever so blessed with her reading my blog posts is beyond me .. She said “keep writing strong”..  Never understood why she even clicked on my link, hell I’ve said it before, blogging is my way of venting, seems like I can communicate better in writing that in a social setting *sigh*.

I have to secretly admit I still log in sometimes just to check stats, seems like there are few people checking in every day or so which is cute.. I mean you probably want to kill me but I know the love is there ๐Ÿ˜‰

I should stick to what I do best and that is writing ( maybe not so good with grammatical errors ) but aslong as you get my flow I’m good ) 

Nikki, you are an inspiration.. This post is for you.

Back again! ( for now๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ™Š)

Momma_ze

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Lost

That’s exactly how I feel. In limbo. Maybe that word best describes it. 9 weeks pregnant with my third, it took a while to wrap my head around the fact that it was actually happening.. That somehow as a 22 year old, I was capable of being a mother to THREE children. I never was truly content, and I think that’s where the problem was, that’s what my body knew and rejected it. 

I miscarried at 9 and a half weeks pregnant, in medical terms described as ‘blighted ovum’. I was gutted although a part of me was slightly, selfishly and shamefully relieved. I felt like a crappy mother the minute I fell pregnant, overwhelmed with emotion although a month before this DH and I were discussing having a third. I had a horrible week, and felt relieved that we had not delved into the idea, I was content with the life I had, and came to realise that having a third would be undue stress on myself, my children and my marriage.

However, God, the universe whatever higher power you believe in had other plans. I felt horrible and almost evil that I cried for 4 hours straight when I found out I was pregnant, don’t get it confused, I would never say that I didn’t want this pregnancy, I kept repeating, I don’t deserve this pregnancy. You see this little being that was being created inside of me deserved a loving Mummy, someone who had butterflies when she realised she was pregnant, someone who was anxious and filled with excitement at her first ultrasound, someone who just couldn’t wait till the day she’d meet him or her. Instead.. I was distraught, dreading the day where I’d be running after three little very dependant children.. Who would suffer? My three year old who I would come to overload with responsibilities beyond his capabilities ? Or will my marriage be sacrificed ? Maybe my sanity ? 

So I sat there, waiting for the synographer to call my name, it was the moment every Mother looks forward to.. Hearing the heart beat, excited to make sure everything is okay and baby is healthy… Except that wasn’t me.. And it hurt so much that I couldn’t fix me, fix my mind, fix my heart.. I just wasn’t excited and I hated myself for it. “Can’t see a baby”.. Hearing her say those words, I followed with a sigh of relief and then came the tears, how could I react this way ? Why was I feeling this way ? Why couldn’t I be grateful that I was able to carry another child while others struggle for years. I was selfish, but I could not control it, and I am sorry for it.

I am so so sorry for it.

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Why the hate ???

Dear Miss/Mrs Anonymous, I thank you for leaving such a judgemental comment, please note that I own my website and do not feature on it ๐Ÿ˜‰. Secondly, I assume you’re the person refreshing my page 21 times a day ? Yes I get those notifications too ๐Ÿ˜ณ. Finally, I chose not to publish your comment, rather I will reply to it. 

You mentioned that I have no time for my kids because I study ? Okay, well.. Did you know I was one of the very first people to allocate my tutorial times ? This meant I chose the times most convenient for my children, not for me ! To clarify, my children have never been to a daycare ! I am not ashamed to say that they do, however, I have a great Mother, who encouraged me to keep on my studies, and who selflessly looks after them whenever I have to attend Uni. (She’s a whole other story, God love her !) 

Just because I do not post photos of my husband and I, gives you no reason to assume I have a failed marriage, or that I am a single parent. My husband, was and remains my biggest supporter, trying, wherever he can to help me achieve my goal of finishing my studies. Most selfless man I have ever met, none the less I still manage to cook and maintain our household, so thank you for your concern, but we’re okay. ๐Ÿ˜€

My mind cannot seem to wrap around the idea that a woman cannot do it all ? I am a mother, wife and student, not a god damn Martian ! This is not the 50’s, I am still able to maintain a social life, be present for my family, and still have aspirations. I am sorry, but I refuse to be the status quo, although some women are comfortable and satisfied, it is not me. I know this because I tried it. I was going to go insane, my mind needs to be nurtured, and for me, that means feeding it knowledge. That may seem a little odd to you, but just know the rest of your comment did not come from hate, it came from a sense of insecurity. I don’t know who you are, but by the sounds of it, you have a dream that you still haven’t strived or attempted to strive for. My advice ? Get out of your comfort zone ! You want it ? Do it ! 

Gosh, I am so sick of women pulling each other down, what every happened to support and optimism ?! 

P.s. I’m back, I’ve missed writing so much.. And with this semester finishing up.. I’ll have much more time.  โ˜บ๏ธ
Momma_ze