Why we’ve decided enough is enough

Those who know us personally know my husband and I have come to the mutual agreement that having our three children is enough. Before you begin your mental judgement, I understand that the unexpected can happen after all I am a woman of faith and believe your fate has been decided long before you even had the ability to plan. That being said however we are content with our three blessings and my recent health scare tipped us over the edge. I’ve realised now I have new readers and I’m appreciative of that, though you all should know that years ago, beginning with my first born is when this “baby curse” as I came to call it started.. only then will you understand why we’ve come to this decision.

Natural, quick, healthy labour.. 9 days later I couldn’t get up, temp at 43, unable to call the ambulance myself, thank god somebody walked in on me otherwise given another 24hrs I wouldn’t have been around. Infection of the uterus, placenta (YES BITS OF PLACENTA LEFT INSIDE OF ME) stuck to the lining quickly became infected. Hospital. Away from my newborn, unable to breastfeed. Milk gone. It should come as no shock to you that I was distraught for some time, those days without my first born, smelling his scent, it was hell.. hell on earth.

Time passed, we began trying for another this time our second pregnancy ended with a miscarriage.. we tried again, and we were blessed💚  except this time, although same natural labour and healthy baby, someone noticed a growing lump on my back which after many tests confirmed a lipoma Tumor about 7cm long, the size of a handball had to be removed. Survey. Recovery. I had two kiddies to care for.. I just wanted to desperately be back to myself to be there for them.

And our Anissa, by far my scariest health scare.. confused, everything happened so quickly. Recovery HIDEOUS ! Pain unbearable ! Unable to carry anything over 5kg, crashing at mums because I was unable to do even the basics at home.I dismissed it as a sharp pain although following the surgery it was made clear there was something a lot more serious going on inside of my body. The surgery conducted was the removal of my appendix and during my follow up 4 weeks later they revealed my appendix appeared completely normal. BUT they found serious free fluid that they had to drain which they believe was caused by the rupture of a large ovarian cyst.. without this fluid being drained, my body would have had no way of getting rid of it.. 

Then came the serious conversation, my husband and I agreeing that we want nothing more than for me to be healthy enough to raise these kids. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it, if anything was to happen to me and our kiddies were left alone because I was selfish enough to have another child, knowing fully that something is bound to happen again.. I’d never forgive myself. Yes I know, fate, whether I die tomorrow or in ten years, but I want to live my life knowing I’m putting them first.. we can’t be selfish, three healthy beautiful kids, we are content. I want them to know I, their mother, him, their father, always put them first.

Layale

Death and more death

Is all that I’ve been thinking about recently! Call it newborn anxiety ? That sounds accurate.. staring into her big beautiful eyes every morning instantly triggers a long exhale.. “I’m here today” is the thought my brain triggers, I smile, I’ve got another day.

I know this phase will probably pass but dying is always at the back of my mind, when we’re giggling and Zayn cracks a joke that only I get, his father staring at him blankly confused at why I’m laughing – I think to myself  who else will get your cheeky jokes? Who’s going to know how to cut up your toast and put just the right amount of jam otherwise you’d say “mummy I can’t taste the butter” .. who’s going to understand my little Elaina when she begs to dance like “bawlll” (belle) and watch “betheebeethd” (beauty and the beast).. and who’s going to replace the smell of my skin that Anissa needs to sniff like she’s hanging on for dear life every two hours ? .. who? The thought of me gone, the thought of them upset, alone, confused, young – scares to the point of crying myself to sleep sometimes.. It can’t just be me right ? 

While I wait for this phase to pass

We are making memories ! I like to think their childhood is unplugged.. meaning most of the time they’re technology free. Don’t get it confused, family movie time is great for quality (quiet time) however in our home tv is a reward not a right.. sometimes used as background noise .. we own an iPad but they show no interest in it.. why ? They have an imagination.. parents get so anxious when their kids get bored little do they know that it’s that exact moment creativity strikes ! So we paint, we travel, we build towers out of blankets and play kings and queens with foil capes.. we are making memories.. unplugged


Layale 

What is this

being a mum to three children business ?? I’m sitting here on our lounge, admiring our oh so beautiful lounge room ( sarcasm ofcourse ) I literally cannot see the rug from all the toys and socks wait what ? Socks? Don’t know how they got there but they did.. dishes NOT DONE yep since the morning because I’m grubby like that.. washing NOT HUNG because I’m fun like that, bed NOT DONE because I’m fancy like that! 

Yep this is life… this is what I get for waking at 7am, feeding baby, burping baby, changing baby, stretching baby, placing baby on play mat, making breakfast for two kiddies, picking up crying baby, wrapping baby, put baby to sleep, re make breakfast because breakfast burnt whilst I was putting baby to sleep, feeding kids, changing kids, put dummy in mouth of crying baby, packing babys bag, getting ready and leaving home at 10am! That’s what I get.. BUT IF I WAS HOME ALL DAY.. I would have had everything done by approximately 6pm💁🏻 Honestly though you just don’t win! If I’m home, I’m spending most of the day cleaning in between playing and creating activities for the kids and if I’m out of the house kids are happy but at the back of my stupid mind is HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE with all these alarm bells surrounding the word HOUSE ( no joke ) It’s almost as if I lose either way and this has to end.. either I figure out how to be content living this way or I try to work a routine around the house chores ( you guys obviously know which one I’m going with 😫)

Trying to not feel overwhelmed and ATTEMPTING to accept that life will be like this for a little while until baby A grows out of the newborn phase (e.g. Feed = 15 mins but to BURP !! Dear LORD 5min – 1 HOUR) .. not to mention bath + bed time which takes 1+ hours ( fyi just the baby).. it’s really hard though especially on nights like these.. still in my clothes and it’s 8pm, still have to get up and do the dishes, have a shower and put a load in the washing.. but it’s nights like these that I fall in love with those three souls even more, when they tell me they love me as big as the “whole world” before they sleep, that’s when my heart melts that little bit more and I take a deep breath in… 

I have a dirty home.. my kids love me and they are loved.

I am luc- grateful.

L

Will I ever..

Catch a break.

I feel almost as though my body’s failing me and it sucks. 

My tears have dried and my head heavy both from the anesthetic and the four endone tablets I’ve had today. 

I type this post from my hospital bed.. funny isn’t it, how life works, you can be fine one second and be sent for an emergency CT scan the next. Acute Appendicitis is the medical term my GP used as she pressed down on my abdomen whilst I simultaneously moaned from the pain. Pain that I thought was caused from chasing the kids over the weekend.. oh boy was I wrong.Within an hour I was on my way to Emergency department, admitted almost instantly and given antibiotics through an IV.. For someone who has had three natural births and not once accepted pain relief both pre and post birth, I was surprised when I found myself begging for something to take the pain away. 

Fast forward to 8am today, four surgeons surrounded my bed explaining the procedure and how they intended to successfully remove my appendix.. 12pm I woke.. exhausted.. No other word to describe how I felt and still feel.. I am exhausted emotionally that I cannot be there for my two kiddies, and my 20 day young baby who loves to snuggle her way right up my neck followed by deep breaths, as if somehow smelling my scent will keep her heart beating.

It somewhat breaks me to know that I’d have to face my four year old and explain that Mummy’s tummy hurts AGAIN and won’t be able to do the normal things we just only recently started doing AGAIN. 10.35pm – So here I am alone but surrounded by three other patients, under three blankets but not in my bed, in a quiet room but no crying baby, comforted by night shift nurses but can’t hear my daughter snore.

I am thankful and understand how fortunate I am to have family, using the word ‘amazing’ to describe them would be an understatement.. They are my everything! Having strangers look after your children is one thing, but having family who genuinely love your kids and will do anything to see them smile is a complete other! 

Health is a blessing, and I am so grateful that it’s me that’s been hit and not my children.. we don’t ever truly appreciate our health until we’re tested and faced with something similar and in many cases a lot worse than ‘appendicitis’. 

I am grateful.

But I am 

Exhausted.

My Midwives

Dear Emelie & Lila

( A little background info about the two: EMELIE, beautiful, blonde haired woman whom I feel I am forever grateful for helping deliver my healthy baby girl Elaina just over two years ago. LILA this amazing wide smiled midwifery student whom I feel has turned my world into such a brighter place. ) 

So there I was, I can recall checking in my paperwork at my local hospital, 16 weeks pregnant with our third and super anxious. Although an introvert, I find I can easily communicate with strangers hence the conversation arose between the admin woman and myself about how amazing the midwife I had nearly 1 year and half ago was! To my delight she informed me she still worked there and some very kind words later she did what no public patient is entitled to and enlisted me to her clinic 😮

As could be imagined, my first visit was filled with lots of hugs and teary eyes.. I knew just how fortunate I was to have the same midwife seeing me every appointment but felt even more grateful because she had already played such a big role in my previous delivery. There was a face though, sitting behind Emelie, a glowing smile at every appointment.. Lila. Lila who I came to know was a Mummy to three little kiddos and always managed to make it to every single appointment of mine.. even when I would run late, she was there, waiting too.. 

Fast Forward

39 weeks check up. I’m in tears. Lila asks ” how are you feeling? ” and immediately I break down hysterically. I don’t ever whinge, but by this stage the pain of having a tiny head so low in your pelvis is enough to make anyone cry into a pillow! I saw both their faces change – empathy.. They spent over half an hour reassuring me that there is an end, and after an examination delighted me with news that the “end” was quite near. 

Night. Exhausted. Runny nose. Sore throat. Unable to turn in bed.

1am. DEAR LORD CONTRACTIONS! SOLID CONTRACTIONS!

3.30am. Admitted into hospital only to be assessed by one tired ( did I mention TIRED) young nurse. In a monotone voice and robotic manner she began to assess the situation to which she advised ” It’ll be a while “, I replied ” I understand, however my labours progress quickly and I cannot be sent home”, she explained that for some strange reason she couldn’t locate my file and would have to take my word for it ( Thank god for that ) And with that she yawned, turned off the lights and whispered “get some sleep”. 

I was exhausted. I fell asleep. 

Big Mistake.

Contractions went from solid 3 minutely to 10 minutes apart.. I knew I was in trouble.

7am – I began to pace around the examination room, “crazy walker”, I knew my body, I had felt her head descend lower in the last week and knew the more pressure I put on to my pelvis the quicker this process was going to be. 

Knock at the door.

I nearly fall but catch on to my knees.

What were the chances ! Emelie was on a morning shift ( ONLY THURSDAY MORNINGS ) and Lila came in for her prac… tears were exchanged, they couldn’t believe my luck and neither could I.. while the pain of the contractions were excruciating, I would look over at Lila sitting in the corner and she would say ” you’re doing it, you’re doing so well “.. you would think ‘scripted response’ but her facial expressions – she was genuinely proud of me and catching little glimpses of her when I could provided some much needed relief 💚

9.34am our 3.47kg, 51cm tall, full head of hair baby was born.. I stared at him, her father, teary eyed.. looking at me like I was his whole world, then looking into her big eyes and watching his world, his heart, explode into a million pieces. ” I’m so proud of you” he said, I smiled as I cradled her, our Baby💚

Emelie & Lila, you have shared this journey with me, one that I will never forget and don’t intend to… it’s because of women like you, with hearts filled with passion like yours, that women like me feel empowered enough to take on the entire world. Thank you.

Anissa/ 04-05-17

L

In order: Lila, Emelie and the cutest little newborn toes xx

Reality

Reality is I’m 38 weeks pregnant.

Which brings with it a whole lot of emotions, anxiety, excitement and guilt. Anxiety because the very thought of moving with a newborn scares the shit out of me.. Excitement because I cannot freaking wait to baby this BABY! Sounds so bloody silly but when I had my first, I just couldn’t wait till he reached all his big milestones ( sitting, crawling, clapping, walking) and before I knew it he was forming sentences 😩. Along came my second and lord knows my most dominant thought was “hurry and get bigger so he’ll finally be able to play with you”.. I didn’t get to baby any of my babies 😞, this time round it’s a promise I’m making, after all..my older two already have each other🙌🏻

Lastly.. guilt.

Saying “no” to my four year old as we drove past a playground and asked if we could go down and play.. broke my heart the first time I explained to him that I was just in too much pain to chase him around, now it just shatters me completely that he doesn’t even ask anymore. He’s my best friend, my little boy, only four but can already sympathise with his Mummy… I overhead him chatting with his sister – ” When Mummy has her, well go to parks again, her tummy won’t hurt anymore”.. Ofcourse as you can imagine I cried myself to sleep that night. 

Somehow I’m trying my best to make it up to them.. putting together their hospital presents helps me feel a little less guilty.. Every night he asks me to speak to his unborn sister and ask for another hint at what she’s gotten him, and every night after I answer followed by giggles and cuddles, I leave his room more at ease than I was the night before. 

P.s. I’ve attached a picture of his gift to his new little sister.. he chose three things – a musical lion  “will help her sleep”, a rattle “will help her sing and dance” and lastly a dummy bunny ” so she won’t be alone”.. his words are beyond his years, it was evident when we wrote her card together💚

Till next time

Momma_ze

It’s okay to surrender…

Is what I’ve been telling myself these past couple of days.. funny how life changes in a year.

One year ago I was excited for what the future held, one year ago I was determined to graduate April 2018 (FREAKING FINALLY) I was ecstatic for our journey ahead as a family of four.. one year ago..

Today I am overwhelmed, today I am exhausted, today I am unsure when I will graduate, today I am anxious with 10 weeks remaining till our family becomes five.. 

I am surrendering to fate, fate says why not have three kids before you turn 24, fate says why graduate in 2018 when you can in 2020, fate says why not renovate an entire home and move in right before your due date, fate says why not do all of this while taking care of a curious preschooler and a rebel toddler.. Fate says.. Fate decides.. Has decided.. I have to learn to accept that I can’t fight it..

I tried, I tried to convince myself that I could jam in a whole semesters worth of assessments in eight weeks to make my due date, I tried to convince myself that I would be okay being out of the house every single day of the week while heavily pregnant, I tried to convince myself that while I did all of this I would still be able to spend quality time with my husband and children whilst ALSO moving house.. I tried but I couldn’t.. I realised I just can’t do it..

I’ve surrendered.. officially, and although I initially felt I had failed I’ve realised that overwhelming myself with unrealistic expectations will only make me more anxious and frustrated.. thoughts and emotions that aren’t particularly healthy for my unborn baby nor my family.. hell its not okay for ME!

Emotional rant over. 

Overly hormonal pregnant Mom.